I feel so different from everyone that I have ever known. And they all make sure that I know it. Honestly, I don’t mind being different. I really don’t want to be the type with my head down, face to my cell phone.

I know I intimidate people. Some will keep me around for a while. When they realize that they need me more than I need them, they bolt. It’s weird when I realize that I don’t miss them. I am perfectly happy going about my business. Is it weird that I don’t miss them?

Anyways, I was quick to learn that the only person I will be able to please in this life is myself. I have to live with myself everyday, no one else. It’s easier to be happy, and its easier to treat people nicely. I like living with an open heart and open mind.

Everything happens for a reason.

I would take a bullet for anyone I loved. Plain and simple.

As if losing one person wasn’t bad enough, I am forced to lose a second. I’m not talking about people dying. I am talking about the people who are walking out of my life. And this one was totally unexpected. I thought that he would be there for me in my time of need, especially since it was my shoulder that he cried on when his girlfriend dumped him for someone else.

I don’t know if it is guilt that he is feeling (from the other lost friendship), or the fact that he got a new girlfriend (I’m really happy for him). Honestly, I wouldn’t have been so broken up about all of this had he been honest with me. As of right now, he is lying to me and I can see right through it.

Every single person you meet in your life has been put there for a reason. I suppose Alex has served his purpose in my life. He was a friendly companion as I was losing the first, but that is all he was meant to be in my life. He was never meant to be a lifelong friend, I suppose.

But would I still take a bullet for them? Yes, yes I would, because I am able to look past the betrayal and realize that I will never stop caring for them.

My Christmas wish this year was a simple one. I wanted everything to be put into perspective, and I believe it was. I know where I have been, where I am, and where I want to go. Before, I was not on that path. Now, as long as I keep the right people around, I am there.

Anyways, aside from getting that Christmas wish, my mom spoiled me this year. As if I wasn’t old lady enough (what, with the scrapbooking, and crafty things I do), I got a sewing machine. I did ask for one in June, so I am really excited. I am excited to get started on something that I love to do.

I didn’t really want to leave, but I drove back today since I have to work tomorrow. BTW, the picture is my sister and me in our new Christmas jammies. Aren’t we so super cute?!

“A little voice inside my head said, ‘Don’t look back. You can never look back.’…”

I am a firm believer that we should commit random kind acts throughout the year. However, at Christmastime more people remember to do this more. We remember to be thankful for what we have more around the holidays, and more appreciative of who have entered our lives. This is a beautiful time, especially in the recession. We are able to be happy with the little things, instead of the big extravagances. So to everyone, Happy Christmas and have a wonderful new year. Let us make this a year of peace on Earth.

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart; the very next day, you gave it away. Next year, to save me from tears; I’ll give it to someone special…”

A while back my mom mentioned that they had an outdoor ice skating “rink” up for the holiday. She promised to take me when I came to town. Today she finally took me (after movies and making cheesecake). Her silly friend was invited as well, which is fine with me, because I do well with silly. I told my mom that if she didn’t take me, I would ditch the family thing tomorrow evening to go snowboarding (since everyone that promises to take me snowboarding, never take me…jerks!).

When we got there, the fairground was beautifully decorated. They have vendors, train rides, and ice skating. All the lights had light-up patterns, so it wasn’t boring. The venue was a little large for what they had going on though.The Shasta County fair can fill the place up, with the car races and rides. This was nice and bright though.

I couldn’t get my mom to skate with me, but her silly friend was more than willing. She even skated after she realized that she didn’t wear any socks and had to go without! She risked her toes to foot fungus just so I wouldn’t have to skate alone! What a trooper!

It was a ton of fun. At first I had to drag her behind me a bit. Then we both got the hang of it. This time was much better than the time I went in Sacramento (I was about 15/16 years old). That time hurt, and I was completely uncoordinated. I must have gotten better, since I ride and occasionally roller skate.

You will be lucky in love. (My fortune from dinner last night)

I donated blood for the 6th time this year. This means that I donated the maximum number of times for the entire year. I normally donate through American Red Cross, but since I am in Redding, I donated through Shasta Blood Center (Blood Centers of the Pacific). I prefer donating here, since the facility is much nicer. I normally donate in a mobile van when donating through ARC.

This is the first time I have photographed what was done. In the mobile drives, you are flat on your back. At SBC, they have some fancy-scmancy seats; you are slightly reclined with your knees elevated. Super comfy. The arm rests are probably the most useful part of the chair.

I can never watch them put the needle in. I also don’t usually look at the bag either. I’m a bit squeemish. I can watch horror movies, but when it is medical related, I get a little light-headed. This time I looked at my bag too. They put it on an electric cradle, so the blood is agitated to prevent coagulation. I think they also put anti-coagulants in there too. I have only ever donated whole blood, and am not really interested in trying to donate platelets. I’m O+ so they always seem to want whole blood anyways. Probably because they can use it for blood types O+, A+, B+, and AB+.

This donation went without incident. I felt a little dizzy after, but didn’t end up passing out, or even coming close. I did take the proper precautions though, and sat in the cantina area for 15 minutes. Better safe than sorry! Wasn’t really in the mood to crash my car or anything!

They gave me all sorts of goodies this time. I got a shirt and a movie ticket. I don’t donate for the goodies, in case you were wondering. I never get any through ARC, and it is never what I would expect from them. I donate, because life is what really matters. Giving blood is like giving someone their life back. And to me, that is what is really important.

This is hours later. I was wondering why it was bothering me. She got me pretty good. The last time you could barely tell I donated. Now I have a gigantic hole! I’m afraid that I’m going to spring a leak!

“Is there a line that I could write, sad enough to make you cry? All the lines you wrote to me were lies…”

Dear Natalie,

I am writing you this letter in regard to your Animus. It will be much easier to relate to you, since Animus is stubborn, and once he is set on something, it will not get out of his head. Unfairly so, most of the time, since I have done nothing but be there for him (and, I’m barely friends with Alex now, so I’m not sure why he was so worried).  I was always supportive of whatever antic he wanted to participate in.

What happened to “You’re a mountain that I’d like to climb; Not to conquer, but to share in the view; You’re a bonfire and I’m gathered ’round you; Set this old black heart inertia aflame…“? I just don’t understand how his view of me could change so dramatically in just a few days. If that was an act for months, then the world makes no sense at all. It pains me that all of his words turned out to be false. I guess I was mistaken when I thought he took a personal interest in me (after all, after we met I got a text about how awesome I was…I must have been confused).

I confessed everything to my family. I told my mom how he was married before, and how he still lives with his ex. Her response was that it didn’t matter and she wouldn’t have cared if he was or wasn’t.  I told her about his obsession with politics; she said as long as he doesn’t push his ideas on her, then she’s fine (my mom is like me where politics bore her to tears). The only thing she said he was wasting his time and money on, was art school. Graphic design artists are a dime a dozen nowadays.

I don’t believe he ever gave me a chance to be with him. I was stuck in a rut, and thus very uneasy most of the time. When I finally change my situation, he already has made it up in his head that I am apprehensive permanently. I didn’t even feel at home in my place of residence let alone anywhere else. I felt at home with him though.

I didn’t want to let him into my heart, Nat. But somehow he burst in and made me love him. I feel now, that I cared about him too much and he cared about me too little. There was no more room in his heart for me, due to what others had taken from him. I am disconcerted that my soul strings are tied up with his, never able to cut or break them. That’s what happens when you love someone. It hurts that it seems that this whole thing hasn’t even phased him. He isn’t the one plagued by dreams of me every night, as I am of him. It feels like he never really did want to share that view with me.

Love always,

Lauren

P.S. He knows the song quoted is Black Heart inertia, by Incubus. It was the ringtone he set for me on his phone. It touched my heart when he told me that.